


Floggings and Fongings

by Venstar



Series: 2020 007 Fest Works [3]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Crack, Other, indulge me fools, pure 007 fest crack for a prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: for the 007 fest collab prompt table by SpiritofCamelot "Q leaves R in charge of Q branch for a month. It doesn't matter why Q's gone, what matters is she's in charge."
Relationships: Bond & R
Series: 2020 007 Fest Works [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809820
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8
Collections: 007 Fest Fancreations





	Floggings and Fongings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Linorien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linorien/gifts).



> for 007 fest

The door shut softly, slowly and with a certain foreboding behind the Quartermaster as he exited Q branch. 

The word leaving echoed throughout the bunker. Leaving...leaving...leaving...leaving.

Avery, a very old and long put upon Q brancher murmured to his less experienced colleague, Emily. “He’s never left us for a month before.” He put his hand on the girl’s arm when she opened her mouth to respond. “No, wait for it.”

Emily held her tongue and only gave him a side glare for the unasked for instructions and stepped out of his reach and crossed her arms. Waiting for whatever it was that was supposed to happen. It wasn’t but two seconds later that she froze and her eyes widened as any agent that had been lounging decadently around trying to steal something they could get their hands on all hastily withdrew their sticky fingers and made mumbled excuses about lunch, paperwork, and meetings that she knew didn’t exist. 

Before they could all beat a speedy retreat, R leaped up on top of Q’s workstation. Sacrilege. She was dressed in god awful hot pink that clashed with the sharp edges of orange bob. A massive tulle skirt was wrapped around her waist, she wore black Doc Martens and there were layers of spiky black bangles about her wrists. From somewhere amongst the frothy pink tulle, she pulled out a riding crop and brandished it about. She was a picture of the most devilish of fairies.

“Ah, ah, ah! Listen up, peasants. Stop right there 004, I see you. You better put those cufflinks back if you know what’s good for you.” She slapped the crop against her hand.

All eyes turned to poor, little defenseless 004 who slunk back over to the workstation he had just abandoned and emptied his pockets to deposit the stolen cufflinks.

“That’s better,” R purred. She walked up and down the table. “As you heard, Q’s going to be out...for a little bit. I know you will all miss our great leader, the Grand Poobah, our Dark Overlord himself. But guess who is in charge of you fucking fucks now?” She held a hand up to her ear. 

Avery and the other experienced agents and minions chorused in monotone. “You are.” Avery elbowed Emily, who stuttered to attention.

“Exactly.” R grinned slow and with all of her teeth. “My first act as your Overlord is to promise that there will be floggings and fongings...but only if you deserve them. 

Some poor, unfortunate soul spoke up after R’s motivational speech.“Oy. Even when Q’s in, he’s not in charge of us. We don’t get any orders from you. Tell her 007.”

The agents and knowing minions made a collective gasp. To invoke the name of Q’s favorite agent.

“Oh, dear,” Avery whispered to Emily, a wicked grin crossed his face. “I forgot 003 is new. That'll be fun.”

R’s head slowly turned until she was staring 003 dead in the eyes. He swallowed. His fellow agents took a step back from him, an obvious shun to one of their own. 

“Yes, tell him...007,” R said to the handsome agent against the far wall. He had been slowly edging towards the door but halted as she addressed him. “Tell him and then I might let you leave to see Q off...if you know what I mean, just don’t bring the car back without cleaning it first.”

007’s face turned a strange color of red before he straightened up and cleared his throat. “R is in charge of you fucking fucks when Q is gone.”

“No, she’s not! She’s not even really in charge of Q branch when Q’s taking a piss.”

A second collective gasp was made and everyone ducked beneath the workstation closest to them, leaving 003 the only one in R’s line of sight. She flicked her hand at 007 and he all but nearly ran out of Q branch.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Q branch Empire, am I not benevolent?”

“Yes, Lord R!” Everyone except 003 chorused together.

“Am I not merciful?”

“Yes, Lord R!”

“Am I not deserving of your love?”

“Yes, Lord R!”

“Well then, I see we have our first volunteer!” She daintily clapped her hands together and the other agents and minions followed suit. Although the agents clapping sounded a bit less enthusiastic and more morose.

“For what?” Agent 003 narrowed his eyes up at R. 

“Why, for the Games dear boy, the Games!”

“What Games?”

“Well it looks like someone was hired because of Daddy’s connections and not for anything useful in between his ears….” her voice trailed off as she looked him up and down briefly. “Or his legs.”

003 had the sudden instinct to shift behind a desk and not provoke her any further. 

“Peasants, we have our first volunteer for the Q Branch Games. The first sporting event...Demo Dummy!”

Okay, 003 couldn’t help himself. “What’s Demo Dummy?”

“I’m so glad you asked, peasant. Avery will explain Demo Dummy to you. Avery?”

Avery rose from his place of shelter, cleared his throat, and pushed his glasses up his nose. “It’s where one of the agents are assigned to help us test out new prototypes.”

003 perked up. “Oh, that doesn’t sound bad. You made it sound bad.” He frowned up at R.

Avery rolled his eyes and waited. He wasn’t disappointed.

R leaped from workstation to workstation until she was directly in front of 003. She squatted down into a large puffy pile of hot pink tutu and tapped his chin with her crop. “Well, it may not seem bad now, but we have quite a lot of new taser prototypes just waiting to be field-tested.”

003’s mouth dropped and then snapped shut again. He opened his mouth to protest but R stood up swiftly and waved her crop in the air. “Take him away!”

The other agents, knowing better, didn’t argue. They swarmed around 003, lifted him up, and carried him away, he flailed his arms and legs to no avail. A beetle upside down. Off they went with the first sacrifice of the games...to the testing grounds. 


End file.
